I never once questioned whether I wanted to breast feed or not because I knew I really wanted to from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I heard it is a fabulous bonding time with your baby so I figured that was exactly what I needed. I was all "I am Pro Breast Feeding" to all the nurses and doctors the whole pregnancy and in the hospital when my son was born. I could not wait to start. The problem then occurred to me that I had no idea how to start. I thought you could just put the baby's mouth up to the boob and they will just start sucking away. Nope, I was wrong. I don't think I knew what I was getting into at all but I was ready to give it a try.
Day 1 of trying to "offer the boob" started out that night the moment my son was brought to me because my little guy's tongue was going a mile a minute. I am pretty sure if he could speak he would have screamed "Damn Mom, I am freaking hungry. Give me the boob or something NOW!" Thankfully he could not speak & the nurses (& my extensive Googling) told me that he was one hungry kid. Me not having a clue and silently kicking myself for not taking breast feeding classes decided I will let my son cling on & see how it goes. Well my boy was no fool, he starting sucking right away and I was one very happy Mama until about 2 minutes went by and he started screaming crying and then fell asleep. Great, I already pissed him off and he would rather be sleeping then seeing me. No Mom of the Year award receiving today but we will try again tomorrow.
Day 2 of breast feeding was my day. Or that is what I kept telling myself before the breast feeding specialist AKA nurse that breast fed all her children came in my room. She was exactly what my "I can totally do this" butt needed. She was a no mercy, cry until you get this right type of person. I know to some people this would be the wrong answer but I needed someone to snap me out of I am a new Mommy la la land and put me back into perspective. My baby was hungry and the nurses informed me that formula was not his favorite thing to slurp down. Step 1 of her training was showing me something I never ever related to my favorite sport before, the fabulous football hold. This was genius. Only I have tiny hands, small arms and she expected me to hold my fragile new baby while making she he was latched on and sucking. Wow, my head was about to explode and tears were welling up in my eyes. (I blamed the hormones so I didn't look like a total chicken "poop"!) I gave myself a mental pep talk after my husband proceeded to stare at me and the baby proceeded to cry. I knew I could do it but needed Nazi Nurse to yell & stare at me with her mean eyes to have the confidence to swoop my fragile bundle of tears up and put him on that boob. My little man started sucking like a champ so I knew Nazi Nurse was now Genius Nurse. Who knew football & breast feeding went hand in hand?!
Me being all "I got this," went home thinking my baby was a champion at eating from the boob and I was the best Mom he could have ever asked for. Well then my world came crashing down at Christopher's first week well visit. Debby Downer Doctor told me we had to come back for a weight check because my little man has lost some weight. Some weight was actually almost 2 full pounds. I am pretty sure I cried that whole day/night. I just had no idea what the problem was but I knew I needed a solution & I need one fast before my perfect baby boy wasted away to nothing due to my lack of keeping him full & healthy. Debby Downer Doctor did have a piece of advice that kept playing in my mind. She suggested we supplement with formula. Since I was all "Pro Breast Feeding" we did not buy any formula so this then drew more tears. Well Grandmom (AKA My Mom) came to the rescue and stalked our cabinets for all the free formula that every company sent us throughout my whole pregnancy. I had no energy at this point from crying the past almost full 2 days, no sleep due to trying to pump every ounce into my now super hungry & very angry baby. My Mom put formula in 1 of the only bottles we received at my shower and started feeding my son. Usually I HATE when people step on my toes and do things without my okay but my Mom was my hero at that given moment. My son chugged down a full 2 1/2 ounces, burped like he has been chugging bottles the whole 9 months in the womb and passed right out. Aaahhh peace & quiet. This super tired Mama went upstairs and passed out. Of course as all you Mommies know, this only lasted for about 3 hours before it was time for his next feeding. I decided we would try the boob first then the bottle. Well needless to say, my son was a very impatient and hungry kid (he inherited these traits from me, too! He was shaping up to at least be like his Mama since he looks just like his Daddy.)
Even though Debbie Downer Doctor was probably right, I scheduled the follow-up appointment with another doctor to find out how everything went with our new feeding pattern. Well that appointment made me realize something I think I knew the day my baby cried hungry tears and I had no idea what to do, because he gained almost a full pound back in just 3 days. After many attempts, Google searches, help from my Aunt, talking with other Mommies, the endless hours of pumping that seemed to only get me less time spent with my son & not even enough for a full feeding, tears until I am sure my tear ducts dried up and countless questioning in my head and to my husband what was right for my son, I finally gave up. I knew what was best for my son & knew that I needed to stop kicking myself in the arse and stop thinking I did something wrong, that would be the moment I would start doing what was best for my son. That night I said "bye bye milk filled boobies & breast pump, see you for the next baby" and moved on with my formula feeding ways.
So in the end, Boob- 0, Bottle- 1. To not boob was my answer. My answer was to make sure my baby boy was healthy and gaining weight back and as his Mommy I knew I was capable of doing this. Well my baby boy that was originally pissed & hungry is now happy & full. I was an emotional hot mess and now I am just a hot mess that learned to trust my Mom, advice from the doctors and most of all, my new found motherly instinct.
*I know some people may have opinions to my "what is best for my son" answer but I am going to say what my Dad used to always tell me "If you have nothing nice to say, please do not say it at all."
Thank you!*
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